How To Handle Your Negligent Boyfriend and Yet Be Happy
Posted: Sunday, February 14, 2010
by Sulagna Dasgupta
Love in India
Scene 1:
You: He’s not picking my calls. He didn’t even call me on Valentine’s day.
That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going to break up with him. I’m not going to call him or return his calls anymore. And I’m not going to meet him. Ever.
Scene 2:
He calls you.
You let it ring.
You don’t want to do anything over the top. So instead of remaining silent you send in a matter-of-fact reply.
He calls again.
You leave your room leaving the phone ‘cause it’s a little difficult for you not to pick up the phone when he is calling you again and again.
He calls again the next day.
Too much for you.
He: Hi honey...so sorry I couldn’t call you for the last one week...I was a little busy you see...actually I was out of station...oh didn’t I tell you? So sorry darling...What do you mean I wasn’t replying to your messages? I never received any! To hell with these network operators...Oh you called me? Really? About twenty times? My God! I had no idea...May be I was in the restroom when you called...Yes you’re right...I should’ve seen the missed calls...but I somehow didn’t notice...believe me darling...Oh come on! What do you mean I’ve forgotten you? Is that possible? Ever?...And no. I wasn’t trying to avoid you or trying to quietly get out of this relationship...how can I? I so enjoy sleeping with you....I mean being with you...I really love you honey...you’re my everything...You can’t imagine how eager I was to meet you and talk to you...it’s just that this stupid deadline...anyway... why don’t we meet up tonight? Oh come on...you’re not telling me that you’re too busy to meet me. I know you love me. I know you can’t hurt me like that, can you? You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met...why play these little games with me? You know we’re made for each other and are going to be together forever...Silent? I take it as a yes. 8’o’ clock then?...
So you meet up. And you spend the night with him.
Then you call him next day just to tell him how happy you are just to be with him. But of course you can’t reach him at the time. So you call again later. And again. And again. And again. Then you say to yourself, “ That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going to break up with him. I’m not going to call him or return his calls anymore...."
You keep going through the same cycle of events again and again. A million times. Every cycle ends with you eventually giving in.
You can’t say ‘no’ to him.
Even though you know he didn’t return your calls because he wasn’t feeling like wasting time on you at that time, even though you know he didn’t call you for one full week because he was sleeping with other (newer) girls during that time, even though deep down you know you’re less important to him than his dog, you do your best to con yourself into thinking that he loves you.
And that’s because you need him. Badly. ‘Cause you don’t have anything else to fall back on-no parents, no relatives, no real friends...So you’re too weak to let go of this utterly useless farce of a relationship.
Or so you think.
Here’s a joke you’ve heard a million times: Two salesmen working for a shoe manufacturing company were sent to some African country predominated by tribal people to assess the market potential there.
One of them returned and reported, “We just don’t have any hope there. They don’t even know what shoes are!"
The other reported, “This is the biggest and the best opportunity we’ll ever get. They don’t even know what shoes are. So we can create the market from scratch by teaching them that first. Then we’ll have the entire market of the country to ourselves."
Rings a bell? It should. ‘Cause it’s you I’m talking about. You’re the first salesman right now. In our internal world nothing happens as a direct consequence of anything. X happens ( I’m feeling depressed) because of Y ( my ‘boyfriend’ never returns my calls) only because we think X should happen because of Y. Only because mentally we’ve created a connection between X and Y. Yes, we have created that connection, and no, it’s not one of those laws of physics that this world goes by.
Things only have the meaning that we give them. At one point of time I used to listen to a particular song (“ Feeling so good" by Jennifer Lopez) whenever I was depressed, and miraculously I felt unbelievably happy, strong and energetic every single time I listened to it. Whenever something bad happened I’d tell myself, “I’ll be fine as soon as I go to my room and listen to that song." It was exactly like taking a painkiller.
Actually it was a Placebo.
At one point of time I realized it made me feel happy instantly ‘cause I thought I was going to be happy if I listen to it.
Similarly, if you think you’re not strong because you haven’t got anyone to take care of you (or ‘ because of’ any other reason), you’ll remain weak. If you think your inner strength is not a function of your external realities, you’ll remain strong. (Think of all the rags-to-riches stories, e.g. Abraham Lincoln, and you’ll have proof.)
Things also assume the importance you give them. If you think you’re unhappy because your boyfriend didn’t call you, you’ll be unhappy if he doesn’t call you. Again if you think your happiness is not a function of your external realities you’ll be amazed to find yourself happy all the time. I’m not lying. You can check it out for yourself if you can really make your internal state independent of whatever is going on in the external world.
But don’t confuse this with the “you’re-not-important-to-me" getting-back-at-your-negligent-boyfriend mindset, which is actually a direct consequence of his being very important to you. You’ll hurt yourself like anything if you try that. It’s not a question of his being or not being important to you. It’s the situation where you’re at a mental state and no external factors can change that. The difference between the two is that, if you assume the “you’re-not-important-to-me" mindset you’re telling yourself, “You can’t make me unhappy by not calling me, but I’ll be very happy if XYZ calls me/if that really cute guy asks me out/if I win $1 million in a lottery..." In this case your mental state remains a function of what’s going on around you, unlike the case where you tell yourself, “I’m happy because I’m happy." If you’re really courageous you might even say, “I’m happy and calm because I’ve decided to be happy and calm."
Try that for the next one week and check out the results for yourself. Believe me, once you’ve found happiness and calm inside yourself you won’t let go of it ever!
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)This article is very different from the genere that you are capable of. Though these kind of articles have values in today's world. God bless and take care...A big thankyou for commenting, Chiradeep! :)..long time eh?The point I've tried to make in this article is applicable in any other so called painful situation, and not just relationship-related ones, don't you think?
really i am amazed sulagna di...this is a gem of an article...the command over the topic and amount of maturity...is worth praising....and exemplary...keep up the good work..DHAVAL JAINthnx dhaval! :)...How did u come across the site?...what do u mean command over the topic? ;) :D
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